Liz!

May is a big month for me. This will show in my posts or lack thereof...

In addition to Mother's Day and Memorial Day, May is a month of family birthdays.
(And I'm starting to have quite a few friends with birthdays in May as well.) So, I hope you will indulge a few more tribute entries.

Friday was my sister's birthday. My sister, Elizabeth, is my only sibling and it's a miracle we didn't seriously maim each other when we were younger. (I would say "it's a miracle we didn't kill each other when we were younger", but I've come to learn that our sibling rivalry pales in comparison to others.)

Liz and I were pretty adept at bringing out each other's dark side back then. My dark side was sardonic and dismissive. Liz could be obstinate and explosive. She threw the most physical punches, but my verbal darts could be even more painful. As the older sister, I tended to ignore her a lot which created a lot of resentment on her part. I believed, on the whole, life would be a lot easier without an aggravating little sister.

Thank goodness the universe doesn't give in to such naive little desires.

Who could guess that the one person who causes the most vexation in one chapter of your life would turn out to be the most supportive in the next?

At some point in our 20's, I think we both realized the impact of having an estranged sibling. It just feels wrong on a molecular level. Something is not quite right with the universe when your sister isn't talking to you. Yes, life goes on and, yes, it's a pretty good life, but something is missing!

So, we started doing what it takes to forgive those childhood injustices. Sometimes that forgiveness takes a lot of work. But, Liz and I are no strangers to hard work.

I am so proud of my sister for who she is today. She is a direct, yet compassionate communicator. She is incredibly generous. She supports me in all the paths I choose to take, but she's also the first to hold me to account for my actions. There is the most wonderful connection between us that I guess you only ever have with a sibling.

I love you, Liz. Happy Birthday....

The Mother's Day cycle...

Sheesh - time got away from me this week!

So I promised in my last post that I would tell you what impact having my particular mother has had on my life, so here goes. (We have birthday "cycles" in my family largely due to the fact that a few of us have a hard time getting things in the mail in time to arrive on or close to the actual day, so we'll just call this the "Mother's Day Cycle" and extend M's Day another week since I'm late getting back to this post.)

In the last post, I laid out some quirky details about Mom. In this one, I would like to tell you about the three most important lessons she has taught me during my lifetime.

Lesson # 1: How to stand up for myself and say the things I need to say even when I'm terrified to say them.

I started dating my first real boyfriend in 8th grade. I was crazy over him! Gargantuan butterflies in my stomach kind of crazy. We went to 2 different schools, but had the same AG teacher and I met him on an AG field trip. I was stunned that he was interested in me and life was very fairy-taleish for a few months! Until he called one day to tell me that our AG teacher had approached him and asked if I was really his girlfriend. When he said yes, she proceeded to tell him that she couldn't see why he would be interested in me. She said I was irresponsible and immature and that he could do better than me. He told me all of this while I sat dumb-founded, cradling the receiver in my hands. I can't remember saying anything. I think I just hung up and sat sobbing in my room until my mom came to ask what was wrong.

I told her what my teacher had said about me. Needless to say, my mother was pretty irate. I was sure she was going to go down to school and read that teacher the riot act! (My mom is great at reading the riot act to people when needed. I myself have been on the receiving end a time or two.) Instead, she sat me down and told me I was going to have to confront this teacher myself. She told me what to say, which was good because I had a huge mish-mash of hurt and confusion in my brain. She told me to do it first thing the next day and that if I had any trouble, well... she had my back.

And I did. My heart was pounding out of my chest! I had never had to confront anyone before, much less an adult! I stopped the teacher in the hallway before the first bell and said how hurt I was and how disappointed I was in her as a mentor. That if she thought I was irresponsible and immature, what does she think of herself for saying such things behind some one's back. (Sounds pretty good... huh. Just followed the script Mom gave me, but it summed up all of my tumultuous feelings nicely.)

Since then, I've always had that ability to have the hard conversations. I can say things I need to say even when my heart is pounding and I feel like I might pass out. And, if I ever need to sort out the main issue from the mish-mash, my Mom is only a phone call away.

Lesson # 2: Never sacrifice my self to make someone else happy. (This is quite different from making sacrifices for other people.)

Most of you know that I am married to a wonderful man who happens to be Muslim. You also know that I love him and, in spite of that, things aren't going to work out for us marriage-wise. It has taken us 5 years to come to that conclusion. During those 5 years, I was confronted on so many levels! Do I convert to Islam so I won't lose the man I love? How can I honor his traditions and be myself at the same time? How do I live in the same house with someone who truly believes I am going to hell?

My marriage to Ahmed is one of the greatest miracles of my life. Our relationship could have turned ugly very early on. Part of the reason that I have been able to stay the course and build a loving relationship with Ahmed as well as honoring my own belief system is because I have my mother's voice ringing in my head. "Sarah, stay true to who you are."

My mother presided over our wedding. She has adopted Ahmed as her own son. She has a lot invested in our relationship and supports us as a couple, no matter what the future looks like. Still, whenever I call her for advice that one sentence is her most passionate precept. As a result, I have done the work it takes to draw my boundaries and to let Ahmed know who I am and who I'll never be. Because I am doing that work, he is as well. We have stopped pretending with each other. We have stopped trying to mold each other into the perfect spouse. We are happy. And we are happily getting separated. And we have an extraordinary future ahead of us. My mother will continue to love him as a son and to teach him the same lesson she has taught me... "Stay true to who you are."

Lesson # 3: The world is a spectacular place to live.

I told you earlier that my Mom loves bird-watching. That is just the pinnacle of the love-affair she has with life in general. I remember driving with her around the mountains of western NC and listening to her exclaim about the flaming azaleas and dogwoods. She is constantly delighted with the natural world. She loves the stark beauty of Winter as much as the extravagant florals of Spring.

I often meet women who are fighting the natural cycles of life. Women who defy age as long as they can with cosmetic surgery and expensive anti-wrinkle creams. My mother is 57 and she is one of the only women I know who is looking forward to turning 60! I have never had a fear of growing older because my mother makes it seem like so much fun.

My hope for the future is that Mom and I will be able to explore the world together, that we will continue to delight in growing older together, that we will help each other to unlock the many facets of who we are, and that we will always know that we are in each other's corner.

I love you, Mom, and I am honored to be your daughter.

Happy Mother's Day cycle!

Happy Mother's Day!

I thought I'd come out of my recent reticence for a very important post on a very important day!

This is the day I get to honor my mother.

I was born 30 years ago to a truly incredible woman. Her name is Helen Louise which is wonderfully descriptive of who she is in the world; Helen meaning "light" and Louise meaning "renowned fighter". She is a notable warrior for goodness in the world.

For those of you who haven't met my mother, here are a few of my favorite details about her:

1. She was a hippie. She believed in all of the great hippie values: peace, love, and happiness. She still does! Even better, she was a hippie who somehow avoided naming me Moonray or Sundance.
2. She was a debutante. I love this little piece of my mom's history. You should see the pictures... she was so gorgeous with a huge bouquet of roses and a sixties flip. She actually tried to get out of "coming out", but you know how southern aristocratic families are.
   
3. She was a theatre major. I remember growing up watching my mom in community theatre. She was Nancy in Oliver and Peter in Peter Pan. I have very vivid memories of watching her being strangled by Bill Sykes in rehearsals. I was only 5 or 6 and was horrified the first time, but then, when she miraculously came back to life backstage, I was able to watch her being killed over and over with no apparent psychological scarring! If you have a chance, ask her about kissing a Prince in Into the Woods. Very funny story Here she is singing a solo in Coming of Age.
4. She has never been afraid to make a career change. My mother has tried her hand at many jobs during my lifetime: College Counselor, Psych Ward Director, Ski Patroller, Hospice Management.... and she always seems to know when it's time to make a change. A few years ago, she was ordained as an Episcopal Priest and is very committed to this calling. Still, she has an inner entrepreneur and I wouldn't be surprised if she opens a business on the side!
5. She is an avid birdwatcher. My mother is as excited to tell me about day-to-day birdfeeder dramas as she is about a great movie she may have seen. She always seems to be shocked and honored when a rare "crested whatsit" chooses to grace her back porch. If George Clooney rang her doorbell, I don't think he would get the same reaction! Poor George!
6. She is one of the most open-minded people I know. Um - I could go into some detail here, but probably shouldn't. Let's just say, social scandals never phase my Mom. She is as gracious to a surprise child born out of wedlock or an overly rude elder or the neighborhood vagrant as she is to any upstanding citizen. This comes in quite handy when a certain daughter calls home announce a sudden commitment ceremony to a foreign man her mother has never met.
7. She has a strange and unwavering commitment to make a Christmas dessert that no one ever eats. The desert is called Ribbon Salad and if you have a hankering to try such a thing, please come by our house around the 25th of December. Bring some friends. There will be more than enough to go around seeing as how, otherwise, it will sit untouched in the fridge until the New Year when it is thrown out with the tree.
   
8. She was allergic to cats and avoided having an indoor cat until she was tricked by the bleeding hearts of Holy Cross Church into saving a stranded kitten. She named the kitten "Dipsh*t" because she was pretty annoyed at having to care for a pitiful animal she never wanted in the first place. The more time Mom spent with that kitten, the fonder she became of the little fuzzball. "Dipsh*t" became "Dingbat" then just "Ding" and then "Ring". At some point Mom added the Ms. and Ms. Ring wound up living with us until she died many years later. She was my mother's favorite pet.

So there is an introduction... later today I'll tell you about the impact she's had on my life and the many gifts she's given me over the years. I love you Mom!