The Mother's Day cycle...

Sheesh - time got away from me this week!

So I promised in my last post that I would tell you what impact having my particular mother has had on my life, so here goes. (We have birthday "cycles" in my family largely due to the fact that a few of us have a hard time getting things in the mail in time to arrive on or close to the actual day, so we'll just call this the "Mother's Day Cycle" and extend M's Day another week since I'm late getting back to this post.)

In the last post, I laid out some quirky details about Mom. In this one, I would like to tell you about the three most important lessons she has taught me during my lifetime.

Lesson # 1: How to stand up for myself and say the things I need to say even when I'm terrified to say them.

I started dating my first real boyfriend in 8th grade. I was crazy over him! Gargantuan butterflies in my stomach kind of crazy. We went to 2 different schools, but had the same AG teacher and I met him on an AG field trip. I was stunned that he was interested in me and life was very fairy-taleish for a few months! Until he called one day to tell me that our AG teacher had approached him and asked if I was really his girlfriend. When he said yes, she proceeded to tell him that she couldn't see why he would be interested in me. She said I was irresponsible and immature and that he could do better than me. He told me all of this while I sat dumb-founded, cradling the receiver in my hands. I can't remember saying anything. I think I just hung up and sat sobbing in my room until my mom came to ask what was wrong.

I told her what my teacher had said about me. Needless to say, my mother was pretty irate. I was sure she was going to go down to school and read that teacher the riot act! (My mom is great at reading the riot act to people when needed. I myself have been on the receiving end a time or two.) Instead, she sat me down and told me I was going to have to confront this teacher myself. She told me what to say, which was good because I had a huge mish-mash of hurt and confusion in my brain. She told me to do it first thing the next day and that if I had any trouble, well... she had my back.

And I did. My heart was pounding out of my chest! I had never had to confront anyone before, much less an adult! I stopped the teacher in the hallway before the first bell and said how hurt I was and how disappointed I was in her as a mentor. That if she thought I was irresponsible and immature, what does she think of herself for saying such things behind some one's back. (Sounds pretty good... huh. Just followed the script Mom gave me, but it summed up all of my tumultuous feelings nicely.)

Since then, I've always had that ability to have the hard conversations. I can say things I need to say even when my heart is pounding and I feel like I might pass out. And, if I ever need to sort out the main issue from the mish-mash, my Mom is only a phone call away.

Lesson # 2: Never sacrifice my self to make someone else happy. (This is quite different from making sacrifices for other people.)

Most of you know that I am married to a wonderful man who happens to be Muslim. You also know that I love him and, in spite of that, things aren't going to work out for us marriage-wise. It has taken us 5 years to come to that conclusion. During those 5 years, I was confronted on so many levels! Do I convert to Islam so I won't lose the man I love? How can I honor his traditions and be myself at the same time? How do I live in the same house with someone who truly believes I am going to hell?

My marriage to Ahmed is one of the greatest miracles of my life. Our relationship could have turned ugly very early on. Part of the reason that I have been able to stay the course and build a loving relationship with Ahmed as well as honoring my own belief system is because I have my mother's voice ringing in my head. "Sarah, stay true to who you are."

My mother presided over our wedding. She has adopted Ahmed as her own son. She has a lot invested in our relationship and supports us as a couple, no matter what the future looks like. Still, whenever I call her for advice that one sentence is her most passionate precept. As a result, I have done the work it takes to draw my boundaries and to let Ahmed know who I am and who I'll never be. Because I am doing that work, he is as well. We have stopped pretending with each other. We have stopped trying to mold each other into the perfect spouse. We are happy. And we are happily getting separated. And we have an extraordinary future ahead of us. My mother will continue to love him as a son and to teach him the same lesson she has taught me... "Stay true to who you are."

Lesson # 3: The world is a spectacular place to live.

I told you earlier that my Mom loves bird-watching. That is just the pinnacle of the love-affair she has with life in general. I remember driving with her around the mountains of western NC and listening to her exclaim about the flaming azaleas and dogwoods. She is constantly delighted with the natural world. She loves the stark beauty of Winter as much as the extravagant florals of Spring.

I often meet women who are fighting the natural cycles of life. Women who defy age as long as they can with cosmetic surgery and expensive anti-wrinkle creams. My mother is 57 and she is one of the only women I know who is looking forward to turning 60! I have never had a fear of growing older because my mother makes it seem like so much fun.

My hope for the future is that Mom and I will be able to explore the world together, that we will continue to delight in growing older together, that we will help each other to unlock the many facets of who we are, and that we will always know that we are in each other's corner.

I love you, Mom, and I am honored to be your daughter.

Happy Mother's Day cycle!